Sunday, October 31, 2010

666: BEWARE THE END IS AT HAND (2007)

I ask you, imaginary reader of these words, is there a better way to wind up Pumpkin Month than this way, with this zero-budget CGI-fest Nigerian Christian apocalypse THING?

666 commits a grievous movie sin by opening with its most powerful scene: a rendering of hell as sort of a sparsely-decorated cable access show with CGI flames and lots of cackling. I may complain about many trends, but I would never complain about hot African women with horns and 666 inked on their heads who cackle. Nor would I complain about their bearded, weird-eyebrowed leader, Lucifer, holding forth glorious orations in maddeningly indecipherable African accents. I worked with Africans (from The Gambia, not Nigeria, but) even I could not parse some of this babble.

So, basically, the cackling goes down, then we cut to our presumed protagonist, a preacher who bloviates of the coming of Jesus to empty streets and cafes full of people on dates. The Christians spend LOTS of time talking about church finances and budgets (this is the bad movie portion of this bad movie) while Satan and his harem cackle and assorted mortals fall into terrible sin. Want to see a hooker lick a guy's seeping leg wound? Look above. I could not and would not cap the hyperaggressive lesbians nor the gay dude/male demon coupling, but the aftermath is just below. Warning: this is what gays during mating season really look like.

Okay, so Satan is pissed because the end is at hand, like the title says, so he sends one of his assistant-manager demons to incarnate on Earth and turn the tide of battle. So this becomes a Nigerian THE OMEN. Thankfully, the movie fast-forwards us to the kid at eight or so and we skip all the gurgling and lying around that babies in other action movies have already portrayed.

Meanwhile, the preacher appears not one day older! And repeatedly draws from a swank all-leather Bible the words of wisdom, including comparing Christ to a "thief in the night" on a bunch of different occasions. And, yes, I know it's from Thes. (growing up Baptist has its advantages), but it's still a rad centerpiece around which to construct a film.
So the demon is this pudgy, kind of goofy kid who talks in a hilarious fake-low death metal voice and hits portly women with branches. But when he tries to SHARE RICE with two other kids, the preacher will have none of it and there is a perhaps three-minute exchange of Commodore 64-level CGI firepower, then the end really is at hand. At least until the sequel, which is really a thing that exists! This is alternately fascinatingly psychotic and dull and draggy, but it was nice to watch a genuine bad movie delivered with deadly earnestness for a good cause. Good on accident. Oh, and they found a brass-blast orchestra sample that gets used in all the wrong places, like EVERY sex scene.
#31 of 31, NIGHT THIEF JESUS BE PRAISED!

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