Saturday, July 16, 2011

N-SECURE (2010)

I have learned that it is okay to let myself go and not fulfill all the demands that Society makes of me. Like, even though I am a man, sometimes I do not have to fix every broken car that I see. Also, I can occasionally eat at restaurants that are not Hooters, like Applebees and TGI Fridays, in spite of having a penis. On holidays, I can even let the ladies do the math. It feels so liberating to shirk the crushing pressures of the Patriarchy and its gender roles that I had to drop my cross-stitch & Amish romance paperback and come crow about it immediately on my genre blog.

But what does that word mean, "genre"? Obviously, the scope of this thing includes cheap-ass horror and sleazy-ass women in prison fare and laughable action from the Atlantic Ocean. But why wouldn't something like THE ROOM, although meant to be a romantic drama (despite what my Facebook friend Tommy Wiseau now says), be included if it hits all the same nerves, albeit accidentally? It's outrageous, it subverts standard movie expectations, etc. And, if THE ROOM fits under the umbrella, why not THE black ROOM, which is how N-SECURE was pitched to me? Whatever, I am reviewing it. If I go from four to three followers because of this controversy, so be it. Vaya con dios, RACISTS.
When it opened with a piano-based song and a woman complimenting "Your cologne, your hair, your style, your intelligence", hope sprang eternal. Right from the start, this movie wants you to know that David Washington is a time-obsessed man. He sets his alarm for 6:38 (TEN MINUTES LATER THAN HARD-WORKING AMERICAN TOMMY WISEAU) and rigorously eyes the clock whilst electric-toothbrushing and hilariously plucking nose hairs. He yells at his lady, Robyn (Essence Atkins), "It's 7:08! Are you going to sleep all day?" The movie also wants me to view David Washington as a COLOSSAL douchebag, although I'm not sure if that's intentional. But this sequence -- Hummer -> Energy drink -> Power Point slide -- can't be meant any other way, right? David works at some computer-based job which involves Power Point charts. Not sure exactly what he does, but he gets to say, "Shut up and listen! Have you re-routed all authenticated data queries through the primary domain control?!"
When he's not working, his hobbies included being cuckolded on his wedding day with the boyfriend of friend Jill (Tempestt Bledsoe from The Cosby Show, you guys!). David freaks out and slugs the male adulterer. But that's not enough to sate his scandalous-ho-scarred heart! He drops Robyn like she's hot, but ends up spooning with his secretary's cousin (the also-beautiful Denise Boutte). But his jealousy and N-SECURity wreck the day, and also his cutting of brake lines wreck some cars.
This really isn't THE black ROOM because it's not as consistently fun in a deranged way, but it really is fun to watch. It's shot pretty well, with sumptuous sets and scenes bleeding into one another. Bledsoe acquits herself nicely, the two main dishes are hot, and Cordell Moore is lots of fun as David Washington. Since some of the players have been involved in his movies, I will say that I'd MUCH rather watch this than anything Tyler Perry has shat out. The MADEA movies are a vomitous abomination and the last one was one of the most seriously misogynistic things I have ever seen. I never get my feelings hurt by movies (I enjoy BLOODSUCKING FREAKS and TEENAGE HITCH-HIKERS, man), but the constant woman-baiting and "SLAP-A-HO" """jokes""" rattled even me. It pisses me off EVEN MORE that no one else seemed to care. N-SECURE, despite featuring a protagonist who n-securely abuses his women, seems less hateful. If it never reaches the bizarro heights of THE ROOM or TROLL 2, it's at least good for a night's watch.
I would probably rank this with BIRDEMIC in terms of kicks. You really won't be able to watch it every weekend, even if you love its Memphis setting, as I do, but the best scenes will live in your heart and your conversations with hipster friends forever. Remember, don't EVER disrespect me by disrespecting my time!

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