Sunday, October 23, 2011

HALLOWEENAGE #19: ELVES (1989)

Listen, there are bad movies that are bad/boring and bad movies that are amusing/good and then there are bad movies like ELVES that were seemingly not created in this universe.  Right from the outset, you realize that this is something far different from the norm, as a trio of ladies take to the woods for an "anti-Christmas ritual" and spout lines like, "We're girls, remember?  We're the master race!"  One of them cuts herself and her blood seeps into the ground and reawakens an elf (despite the title, there's only one).


Kirsten has other problems besides bleeding all over buried elves.  Her mom hates her so much that she punishes her for minor misbehavior by closing her savings account(!) and drowning her cat in the toilet(!!).  Her little brother...well, this happens...

WILLY: I'm not a pervert!  I like seeing naked girls!
KIRSTEN: I'm your fucking sister!
WILLY: Yeah, and you've got big tits and I'm gonna tell everybody I saw 'em!

She also gets felt up by a department-store Santa at a store named GOLEM'S(!) before meeting chain-smoking ex-detective Mike (Dan Haggarty from the "Grizzly Adams" TV show), who is also given impeccable lines like, "Life's a bitch, first you're Santa and then you die."  


This movie knows what it is.  Mike chain-smokes to a ridiculous degree, even while brushing his teeth, and there is dialogue like, "When there's no more room in hell, the elves will walk the Earth".  A Christmas dinner with small children is interrupted so a professor in a bow tie can explain how elves mate with virgins on Christmas Eve.  By the time someone says, "I want to know the connection between the elves and the Nazis!", you don't even think, "Oh, that's weird" anymore.


The effects in this are totally shoddy, which totally works in this movie's favor.  The elf is obviously some kind of rigid puppet, but cosmetic defects like that are bandaged by the inane dialogue, the ridiculous science and academia, the nudity of Deanna ("Land of the Giants") Lund, and the twirling absurdity of the plot.  How could anyone hate this?  It's trying so very hard to entertain you!  Not better than BLACK CHRISTMAS, but more watchable than almost every other Christmas-themed horror film including IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE.

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