Monday, March 26, 2012


"Two heads means twice as many teeth."

Here's the thing: evaluating Asylum movies on the good-movie scale is terribly counterproductive.  Approximately NONE of them are "good", in the sense that Pauline Kael is smiling down upon them from heaven.   But there are good bad movies and bad (read: BORING) bad movies.  And there is 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK, which falls squarely in the middle.

The movie gives you all the RDA of exploitation/"bad" cinema: magnificent tits, ridiculous situations, gore  galore (sort of).  I was impressed that the CGI is getting so seamless that a shark flipping a black guy into the air to leap up and devour him didn't make me feel embarrassed for the movie.  But, still, none of this hits the highs of something like MEGA PIRANHA.  Nor does it feel excruciatingly tedious.  It's merely there.

That's Carmen Electra, who is here to be sexy (and, h8 if you want, but, like Pam Anderson, I'd argue that she looks far yummier now than ever—would smash 4 sure), along with Hulk Hogan's husky daughter Brooke and former roller derby icon Charlie O'Connell.  Acting isn't what this is about, though.  This is about a two-headed shark killing kids in swimwear.  And so it happens.  

Is it weird that there are so many bad shark movies (TINTORERA, CYCLONE, et al.) and yet there is really no classic shark bad-movie?  SHARK ATTACK III has The Line, but the film as a whole is pretty up and down.  L'ULTIMO SQUALO is fun enough, but (again) pretty uneven.  2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK is a few grades below those films, but it could certainly be worse.  Sharks as monsters, like their aquatic sisters, have had a bad deal over the years.  JAWS is great, OPEN WATER holds up pretty well, and THE REEF is okay.  But it sure seems like living embodiments of our nightmares should be represented in a better way.

I literally cannot think of anything else to say about this movie, so I am going to tell a childhood story.  When I was maybe 7 or 8, my family took a trip to Florida (ostensibly Disneyworld).  We went to the beach first and I went into the water while my mom fell asleep on the sand.  Some time passed and, from what I hear, a small shark was sighted and everyone else got out of the water.  I didn't and my mom was asleep.  So it circled me a few times and then some kind samaritan hit the water wielding a stick and dragged me out.  This story is true, but similar to Brooke Hogan's tale in the movie.  Fun other fact: I almost died in water twice on that trip.  Did I already recount this in the HOUSE review?  Anyway, the shark didn't have two heads, as far as I can recall.  I often wonder how my life would have been different if it had attacked and eaten me—whether I would have missed out on not seeing 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK.

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