Sunday, May 6, 2012


IMDB film critic hunkyguys85 opines, "This movie is one of the stupidest things I've ever seen in my life!!!! All it was was tits and music."  My Internet neighbor is not that wrong, but I still didn't hate this as much as some seemed to.  Just like CALL GIRL WIVES, BIKINI SUMMER II doesn't wait for the credits to end to break out the T&A.  It also has a Don Henley-esque theme song about small bikinis and large bikinis and I always wonder about people who do things like the soundtracks for these movies.  Do you think the composer has "Bikini Summer II Theme Song" records framed on his wall?  Is it still part of his setlist?

It also fills the genre archetype/SEX CABIN IN THE WOODS demands of including a shower in the first ten minutes.  This shower comes with classy string quartet music, so it feels more like an erotic shower you'd have at a pricey hotel instead of the roadside death inn from VACANCY.

Okay, so plot now.  Third typical thing this movie does is present its characters as living in wealth.  Softcore movies LOVE to do this for some reason, but most of them aren't that convincing in their presentation of luxury and the mansion here is like a two-story house, so wow.  These two sisters are basically professional rich daughters and spend their time clomping around the manor in hoof-like heels and skimpy bikinis.  Their mom is JESSICA HAHN, you guys, who got to have sex with this gentleman and then be in a Nuclear Assault video.  Her character here is basically Peg Bundy.  Like they didn't change ANYTHING, she basically lies around eating candy all day and watching QVC.  

Dad is a corporate asshole guy, which is pretty yawnsville, UNTIL he gets to his office and we find out that his job is apparently to get brutalized by a blonde dominatrix named Clarice.  Said dom is a little too perky and girl-next-door-ish to be a believable pain mistress, but maybe some of you will be able to overlook the dimples and freckles and all.  On the way to work, Dad hits a bum with his limo!  

The injured bum gets to live in the mansion for two weeks because that is how you avoid lawsuits.  Thankfully, he is a magical Hollywood endearing bum and, once he's thoroughly bathed, is kind of charming. It helps that he is a singing hobo, not a stabbing hobo.

Honestly, very little stabbing happens in this movie.  This is the softest of core, as there are maybe five minutes of actual sex contained herein.  There are, however, lots of bikinis and enough exposed breasts.  I rep director Jeff Conaway (who was in GREASE and apparently this movie is his only directorial effort wtf) because he keeps things moving briskly and includes enough wacky, weird shit to keep this from bogging down too often.

Like the muscle-off between a guy and a guylike girl!  Or the incredibly not-Latina that they got to play the Latina maid ("Buena dias, jo breakfast is serve!") and bend over to dust piano legs.  How can you really hate a movie that has dialogue like "What an exciting day!  First I get my period and now this!"?  A: You can't.   It sputters out A LOT towards the end when some hair metal band gets to take over the movie for what feels like forever, but the first half or so of this is rib-tickling fun.  Not worth buying, but half-worth watching if you can find on cable or whatever.  Just don't expect a real movie or a real sexy movie and focus on the ignorant fun and you'll be fine.

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