Thursday, May 3, 2012


Blogspot historians probably don't even know that I started reviewing movies on the Internet six years ago. It's true!  On Livejournal and MySpace and the first batch of stuff that I did was women in prison, Russ Meyer movies, and sundry erotica, all under the heading Summer of Sexploitation.  So for the next few months, I'm going to recycle my past and review a bunch of softcore/erotica or what used to be called "Skinemax movies".  SUMMER OF SKINEMAX.  Maybe it will take off and this blog will become the new 50 Shades of Grey.

CALL GIRL WIVES seems like a sound place to start.  Good Skinemax efforts will have hot scenes, but super ones will make me laugh during the inevitable downtimes.  This kicks off promisingly with actresses' tits helpfully sitting behind their names in the credits.  Would love to see this trend reach mainstream Hollywood movies.  JANE EYRE would have been so much better.

So there are these three wives and their husbands apparently go off on a hunting trip (one of the husbands sounds like Tommy Wiseau because rednecks just love hanging out with Chetniks, right?).  The actresses play characters named after themselves.  Brunette Taimie (TIMEGATE: TALES OF THE SADDLE TRAMPS) Hannum plays Taimie.  Natural beauty Ashley (FILTHY ENGLISH FUCKERS 3) Long plays Ashley.  And ridiculously-breasted Amanda Auclair plays Amanda, but would later go on to become Shyla (ANAL CAVITY SEARCH 4) Stylez.  The girls plan a girls' night out while the hubs are gone and Ashley takes a shower.

Girls Night Out entails drinking 1/15 of a glass of wine, which gets them tipsy enough to go full-on muff diving.  The grossest close-up here is the wine snowball between Ashley and Amanda:

Afterwards, the girls decide that they aren't lesbians, "we're just playful", and Taimie mentions a friend who acts as a pro matchmaker a.k.a. pimp.  The other girls seem uninterested UNTIL CUCUMBER SANDWICHES ARE MENTIONED.  Fucking seriously.  The first part of this thing is too fun because it obviously knows what it is.  Credit director Michael Whiteacre, who (per IMDB) "always directs wearing a large blue sombrero."  The gals travel to the modest sex-business house of Brittany Andrews, who shows them a pretty uninspiring sex vid, then ropes them in by promising that they'll meet fascinating and exclusive male clientele...

...and the first one looks like this:

They also never get any cucumber sandwiches.  Then the movie sends the plot upstairs and devotes the rest of its time to sex.  Ashley Long is the clear medal winner here.  Her scenes with both boys and girls are just blazingly steamy and ridiculously physical.  If you want to spice up your own love life, try incorporating fishhooks:

Fucking your partner while holding her in an arms-behind-the-back straitjacket position:

And attacking her like Dracula before planting a surprise smooch:

I wasn't as impressed with the other starlets' bedroom work.  Taimie Hannum looks great and has the best line delivery, but her scene mostly involves her dancingly sexying a guy who sits there motionless, like a potato.  The Amanda/Shyla scenes are even more tepid.  I don't want to get too hateful because I feel like porn stars probably spend a lot of non-sex time Googling themselves and this blog is not about hurting feelings.  But the little-girl voice and the elephantine boobs and the white-bread sex did not do a lot for me.  

After the sex, CALL GIRL WIVES kind of returns to its comical beginnings by having a foreign whore showdown scored to FISTFUL OF DOLLARS-ish music...

...and, of course, it ends in sex.  I liked the lighting here and use of shadows.  Best Use of Shadows in Lesbian Sex Scenes award is in the mail, Mr. Whiteacre!

This is pretty representative of my kind of softcore/Skinemax.  It knows it's ridiculous and embraces that, but also isn't afraid to flip the switch on the Scandalous-o-tron.  I could have lived with less obvious plastic surgery/enhancements, but complaining about that in modern erotica is like complaining about how the sun rises in the morning.  

And that's the way it goes!  Look for more in this throbbing vein in weeks to come!  


kenneth collins said...

This is a good review, Taimie hannum is smokin hot she gives me the hardest boner I've jerked off to her so manys times in this movie.

kenneth collins said...

Ashley long looks great too, hey for the person who wrote this review where did you get these pics/image stills from the movie