Thursday, August 30, 2012

HEAVY MENTAL (2009)

Did yuo know that the ea$ie$t way to promote your product is to write gushing love-letter reviews of it on the Internet???  You made it, you KNOW how good it is, now sprinkle those five-star breathless raves all the fuck over Amazon and Netflix and IMDB!  I love fake reviews and the funniest one of HEAVY MENTAL exults, "Every time I watch it, I see something new!"  This fake person has obv never seen THE TOXIC AVENGER because HEAVY MENTAL is basically that movie with a new heavy metal skin and all the joy sucked out. 


Get this, comedy fans: teen Ace lives with his TWO DADS!  That's right, two people are his parents, but BOTH of them have penises!  You might think that this is 2012 and there would be a joking scenario beyond that, but nope, that's it!  I am the least homophobia-phobic person around, but I am supremely offended by laziness.  F-, movie.  Anyway, Ace is in a metal band who practices at his two dads' music store.  It's also his birthday and he receives from his god-hated fag-dads a transparent guitar once owned by Eddie Lee Stryker.  Said Eddie Lee allegedly murdered his bandmates. 


When you see "allegedly", you know to expect this: he didn't do it.  He was framed by the real murderers, henchpeople of the local gang boss, Mrs. Delicious.  BUT his spirit now inhabits the guitar and empowers Ace to become a sort of fat 80s pro wrestler in a chemo wig.  And vengeance is dished out, only it takes 90 minutes to happen.  JESUS CHRIST, STOP MAKING B-MOVIES THAT LAST FOREVER.  


Violent superhero movie with retardo comedy!  Sound like anything you know?  HEAVY MENTAL borrows a lot from existing Troma efforts, which makes it a really weird Troma pickup (and they are promoting the hell out of this, while my paens to THE TAINT go unheeded).  It also riffs from John Waters and whatever Thalidomide babies created names like "Balls McKinley" and "Cuntee McCunterson" and expected people to actually laugh.  (Note: funny names can be funny, like Dick Cox in GWAR's PHALLUS IN WONDERLAND, but lettuce be cereal).  Yeah, there's gore and girls (and they are oranger than any humans I have ever seen, which makes me think Detroit is the New Jersey of the rotting industrial Midwest, perhaps? IDK, I've only been to the airport there...), but it all just feels like a trip I've taken before.  Love, William Faulkner.


Worst of it, it's a heavy metal movie and the music sucks like a fuckity-suck.  I wish the people involved would have put as much effort into making their movie or at least its music as they have into vandalizing the net with starry-eyed rave-lies!  Man, I would rather watch the most crampy, estrogen-drippin' chick flick than have to sit through a "bad movie" that is so confident in its hilarity and so, so mistaken. 


Other perspectives from non-imaginary people:

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