Friday, January 4, 2013

TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D (2013)

Let me tell you how it started.  When I first heard of this project, I assumed the worst.  I envisioned some slick tripe with MTV rejects shot with expensive cameras, like an American Eagle flyer come to sort of life as a "scary movie".  There have certainly been enough of these shitty remakes that anyone with a brain should no longer be fooled into expecting anything good.  BUT not even the most hard-bitten cynic could have expected such a painful cock-up as TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D.  

Starting off with scenes culled from the original was a grievous, horrible mistake, unless the filmmakers were damn sure that their material could measure up (it doesn't!).  TC3D seems to be attempting to live as a sequel to the original, but makes major changes.  I'll put a spoiler section below so people don't bitch...

SPOILER

Following Sally Hardesty's escape, the local sheriff (HOOPER< GET IT HIS NAME IS HOOPER LIKE TOBE HOOPER WTF BRAH FOREVER 21) shows up at the Sawyer house, which now contains many many more family members than appeared in the original CHAIN SAW.  There's a lady, fat people with beards, plus Leatherface is there with no apparent leg wound!  And he's been renamed Jed because it's better and marketing, ok.  Some local coonasses show up and firebomb the house and I thought this would be some weird Waco allegory, twenty years later, but no.  Oh, and those of you who are attending this because it has Bill Moseley in it should get there early because this is his only scene.  That's right, the family only appears in five minutes of TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D!  And they're all killed!  Merry Christmas!!

This all happens in 1974, yeah?  So fast forward to present day and we meet Heather (Alexandra Daddario), who was the baby in the Sawyer house, then was adopted by two of the firebombers.  So 2013-1974=39, so at best this girl is pushing 40 and she looks like this:


I tried to act as lawyer for the movie and argue in my head that it was set in 2001 or whatever and was a period piece, then a policeman whipped out an iPhone with streaming video capability, so I guess not.  Also, no one in this movie can afford a whole shirt.  

She finds out her ancestry after a torturous 30 minutes of boring teen-style interactions and then we discover that Jedtherface survived the fire and has been staying in the basement of this fancy richy-rich mansion.  He gets out and starts a-killin' in the most banal generic-horror-movie way possible.  There is absolutely nothing engaging about him in this movie, you could cut and paste any killer in his place and it would make zero difference.  This Leatherface is nowhere near as lethal as the dialogue, which is possibly the worst I've ever heard, like it was written by a sixth grade class ("it looks like some kind of crazy catacomb!", "my friends are dead because of this crazy town!").  The script is atrocious, no one acts like human beings, perhaps because they are all horror movie stereotypes like Slutty Best Friend, Jock, Final Girl.  "Welcome to Texas, motherfucker!", indeed.  Sluts are notoriously badass fighters.

But it took multiple writers and like TEN producers to concoct this and I just vomited.  Because it ends with Leatherface becoming a sympathetic figure in the most cloying way possible.  And the sheriff acting like the most inhuman character out of a cast of, essentially, living mannequins.  The ending of this thing turned me on it COMPLETELY, it makes NO sense and is the most invidious betrayal since the dark days of Benedict Arnold.  If they'd TRIED to make a good movie and FAILED, that would be one thing.  But TC3D doesn't even make an effort, it just lazily lopes along, tossing out bad decisions and wrenchingly poor logic like aborted fetuses dumped out of a physician's window into a waiting garbage bin.  And our minds are the garbage bin in this allegory.

I'd wager that TCM is dead as a franchise after this.  The film's sole triumph is that it knocked THE NEXT GENERATION from its throne as the worst-ever TEXAS CHAINSAW film.  Just an utter mess.

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