Saturday, February 9, 2013



"My daughter cannot speak since I hid the brain and the sword!"

I've had a thing for Turkish trash for a while now, but I think I can stop the search for increasingly insane-r films.  If anything can top TURKISH STAR WARS, I will be pleased/amazed/horrified.

Most movies give you time to sit and settle into the plot, but not TURKISH STAR WARS.  The movie opens with this frantic narration over stolen footage from American STAR WARS.  It basically just blasts information at you, like a college professor who has poor teaching skills and schizophrenia, too.  Basically, people reached the stars, but nuclear weaponization threatened and also an enemy from space threatened, so humanity banded together, but the Earth was destroyed by lasers, but (maybe?) reconstituted itself thanks to the power of brain molecules, which are an exclusive trait of mankind.  Even with brain-shielded Earth back on its feet, the star wars continue and the best, awesomest space pilots are (of course) Turks named Murat and Ali.

Two things about that screencap tell truths about TURKISH STAR WARS.  A) the space battle scenes involve guys in helmets standing in front of movie screens showing STAR WARS & acting like they are ducking laser shots and B) Murat and Ali spend A LOT of time saying quasi-offensive things about women.  It's a relief to know that feminism was a passing fad and the future will be back to normal as far as broads are concerned!

Ali and Murat get shot down and land on a desert planet and wander around, fighting progressively sillier monsters and guy-talking about ladies and their crazy ways.  Then their prayers are answered and they finally meet a woman!

If this is an accurate depiction of the future, I am 100% okay with the Earth blowing up.  Doro Pesch-influenced eye makeup, bottle-blonde long hair, makeup applied with a gun, and a Rambo headband!  Accept my friend request!  She's the mute daughter of a priest/scientist guy, who explains that the planet is under the tyrannical rule of The Magician, who wants to defeat/destroy Earth, but can't BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE A BRAIN.  All he has are an army of monsters that resemble last-minute Halloween mummies or football mascots from schools with poor funding.

Not that The Magician is that imposing himself!

He also has a queen that I was pretty sure was really a guy, but now I think is maybe just unfortunately designed.

This is a Turkish movie starring Cüneyt Arkin from LION MAN, so it naturally includes tons of ridiculous fight scenes.  Thankfully, this movie doesn't go overboard with the trampoline dropkicks and karate-chopping-off of limbs, like LION MAN did.  There's enough to entertain, but not so much that you're glutted with it.  Murat and Ali do most of their fighting in satin jackets that look like they came from a 1984 Merle Haggard tour, btw.

The movie rips off STAR WARS, but that's not the end of the tale of its thefts.  I literally fell out of my chair laughing when the Indiana Jones theme starting playing and the ending scenes are a mashup of STAR WARS footage and disaster scenes from some Biblical or Roman epic that I can't place.  The stolen stuff, the twitchy editing, the soundtrack that sounds like Mr. Bungle at grindcore length, and the sheer insanity of many of the scenes clearly mark this as the best STAR WARS of all time.

It even has a message that we all should hear:

I am just so proud to live on a planet that makes movies like this!  And you can watch it for free at Internet Archive, using the POWER OF YOUR HUMAN BRAIN (or find it with subtitles at other places on the Internet):


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