Saturday, September 14, 2013

BLUE DEMON (2004)


This not-really-accurate IMDB Nigerian prince synopsis is exponentially more entertaining than the real BLUE DEMON, which presents itself in this fashion on the DVD box:


After seeing this image, would you think, "Wow, this is most probably a comedic film!"  How about after seeing this?


These are great white sharks.  So from box to content, we've descended from heightened terror expectations to the CGI equivalent of Mr. Bill.  But, really, everyone should expect stupidity from non-JAWS shark movies, so let's give this BLUE DEMON a chance.  It certainly begins in full-on engagement with sharxploitation dumbassery: a bunch of sorority girls use bolt cutters to get into a government facility which has a lake or whatever in it.  They tell their new recruit that all of them have had to swim out to this pier as an initiation rite.  Since she doesn't say, "What, they fix the fence every time?", we can assume that she is too dumb to live and get ready for shed girlblood.  DENIED, but here's some dark wet flesh and ginormous white panties.


After this not-forbidding beginning, we switch to government scientists and BLUE DEMON reveals its true self.  


Oh, those gov't scientists!  Playing carnival games whilst at work in their wackily-decorated offices!  Yeah, this is one-half of our leads, a pair of divorcing scientists whose science work involves controlling great whites with large anime eyes so they can protect America against terrorists.  If they played this straight, BLUE DEMON might have worked and everybody would have been a winner!  But nooo, instead we get comedy antics that are just so campy and fun, you guys!


Like this general who is named REMORA, like those fish that hitch rides on sharks!  OMG, what if everybody had an aquatic name???  Dr. Jellyfish, Alderman Sockeye, I am laughing myself to death, literally.  The comedy staged for your enjoyment is of this stripe; see also when the lab assistant says that nothing gets by him and the lady scientist immediately tells him his fly is open.  "LOL"


If you want to know what it's like to be friends with an untalented comedian (like Paula Poundstone), watch BLUE DEMON.  It's so insistent upon its own cleverness that you almost feel obligated to try to laugh, but the effort just drains you and leaves you feeling numb and hollow and sad.


Too bad, because there certainly are flashes of bad-movie promise here.  The acting is surprisingly not-awful, although it's absolutely wasted on the crappy script.  The terrible CGI deserves to be showcased on a better stage than this.


So far, the worst of SHARKTEMBER.  


RATING: 2

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