Tuesday, September 10, 2013

SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK (2005)

After a prologue that's more like SPRING BREAK MILF ATTACK (who is with me on this?)


this film settles into its comfortable throne of sucking.  A college girl named Danielle is still being treated like a third-grade girl by her father.  He doesn't want her to live in a dorm, fraternize with boys, or go to Florida.  Apparently, he's okay with her handling saws and power tools, as she's scheduled to go work for Habitat for Humanity, but foxy Danielle foxily gets on a different plane or something and ends up with her bffs in Florida!  Her brother is already down there, doing a bang-up job of studying sharks.


Other side!  Once Danielle arrives, the shark attacks take a back seat to young adult mating rituals.  She meets Shane, who is sweet, but works like two jobs, and one of them is at a diner or something (EWW).  Then there is J.T., who is cute, but also kind of date-rapisty.  


The (attempted, don't worry) date rape scenes steal the spotlight for the wide middle of this movie.  I was kind of hoping for date-rape Russian Roulette when I saw that identical cups of 7-Up were being used, but I guess J.T. has developed a good instinct over his long career of date raping.


FINALLY SHARKS KILL!!!  At least one kill.  But it is a good one, although brief.  Fake sharks look beautifully fake.



There's some drama on the high seas, as Danielle is menaced by sharks while Shane and a shirtless J.T. argue about it.  Shane gives her the worst advice ever: stay still, don't move!  Because tiger sharks, being proficient scavengers, are totally frightened off by corpselike floating.


Spoiler: Danielle is not killed or de-limbed.  One of the cast shows up later as a rubbery doll carcass, but otherwise, most of SBSA is stubbornly bloodless.


By the time the ATTACK promised by the title happens, you'll be too numb to care.


This is not a good movie.  It's not even in the same zip code as one.  It was made for broadcast on CBS, so it's VERY soap-operatic in the worst ways (sad prom piano music, "cliffhangers" before commercial breaks, next to no blood).  It's also more concerned with who will win Danielle's maidenhead than who will survive the chomping jaws of cruising sharks and it has a third-period plot twist that makes SHARK NIGHT look like INCEPTION.  Worth it only if you are a huge fan of windsurfers sliding into stationary sharks' mouths, which is admittedly hilarious and the best.


RATING: 3

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