Saturday, September 20, 2014

Beauty Evil Rose (1992)

Beauty Evil Rose theoretically has a plot, but it would take a mind sharper than mine to translate it into human terms.  As far as I can tell, this is a movie about an evil witch who kidnaps girls and brainwashes them into becoming female assassins and fully-clothed erotic dancers.  

The way this story is told, though, is incredibly audience-hostile.  We open with ten minutes of the softest softcore sex, scored with lite jazz from your dad's office call waiting system.  I did like the framing of these scenes, especially with tits taking precedence over Woody Allen films and rightfully so.  But, as viewers, we have no idea where this is going.

Then we get into the meat of the story, I guess. The girls are corrupted through lesbian sex which sometimes includes spankings with rubber hoses.  They also swallow gigantic worm/penis things spewed from the mouth of our evil witch.  I liked the witch, she has fine evil makeup and a pretty decent cackle.  The movie could've used more of her.

Opposing the witch are the erotic dancer's brother, a cop who loves to beat up suspects (oh, Asia!), a girlfriend/actress, and a slacker priest.  In print (or pixels), it seems easy to grasp, but the way Beauty Evil Rose conveys all this stuff is incomprehensible.  It's like listening to an overly excited kid map out Faulkner for you.  First we're watching slowly-paced sex, then we're watching a witch roast snakes over candles, then the stuff to the right happens, and we finally end up with a magic battle that looks to take place in the Tim and Eric Awesome Show universe.  Nonsense, but furious nonsense.  I don't know if this is a good movie.  I don't even know if it's a movie.  And now I'm taking a break until October, when the 31 Days thing starts again.


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